This is a big question for most of us. I don't think I could grasp anything I "knew" was true until I was about 31 years old. I have had several defining moments in my life that have been magical for me. This is one of those…
I grew up in Missouri until I was 15 years old and then moved to Utah. I am the youngest of nine children. Most of my family is mormon (LDS). My parents took me to church, we read scriptures, went to church social events and had several church standards we strived to live by. I was labeled as the "peacemaker" in my family. I pretty much went along with everyone else and did what I was taught most of the time.
I graduated from high school and at age 20 got married in the LDS temple. Within 2 weeks I was pregnant with my first child and on my way to living the life of the mormon culture. Then a couple years later I got pregnant with my second child. I was 23 years old with a baby in my belly and a 2 year old at my side. I had a husband that was withdrawn. I was lonely and empty inside. I was very critical of others that were different than me. I viewed other souls as completely separate. I drove past homeless people on the corner and didn't even think twice. I saw someone smoking with tattoos and piercings and thought "ewe". I made fun of others with my sisters and friends. I felt threatened by other races and cultures. I had no regard for people that were gay. Many times I either said or thought to myself "I would never do that!" as I harshly judged others. I had NO idea what God was and NO idea what Love was.
I thought I knew it all and was very self absorbed in my own little world. Then one day my entire life changed in a moment. I was 7 months pregnant with my second child and my husband had grown more and more distant. He stopped going to church with me, rarely touched me, and didn't say much to me. I could sense something was up. I felt so alone. Finally he told me that he didn't want to be married anymore and he felt we "just wanted different things in life". My world came crashing down. I was afraid of so many things. Afraid for this baby that was still in my belly, afraid for my 2 year old, afraid of being alone, afraid of my "perfect" little temple marriage failing. I went to my bishop and asked for some guidance. He told me to let my husband "go through what he was going through, be patient and supportive, and don't push him to make any decisions".
This was the first time in my life I had to really feel rejection and pain on this level. It was one of the best gifts in my life. Because now I had been jolted to wake up and look around outside of my perfect little world.
I consider that time in my life when I started my spiritual journey and really started to ask the big questions in life. So I started picking up the pieces of my shattered world day by day. With a precious newborn son and a sweet little 2 year old daughter that owned my heart we were a trio. I started to look around and observe others. What did I want to teach these perfect little souls that had been sent to me to guide? What kind of people did I want to mold them into? I didn't know much but I did know that I wanted them to be different than the person I had been up until now. I wanted to teach them to look at others who were struggling in life with compassion. I wanted them to feel loved by me and not controlled. And above all I wanted them to love others despite of differences. Whether someone was gay or straight, black or white, poor or rich, educated or not, strung out on drugs, etc.
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